There is something screaming in the wood

There is something screaming in the woods… Its sounds like something from Blair Witch or something. Anyone got a shaky cam I can borrow?

Iv of Pentacles

     Today’s card hit a suprisingly close to the surface theme in me. I see the card and I see how physical wealth holds and pins the figure, but also just how bored he has become with maintaining that hold. I never know when I look at cards if its the cards are tapping into my subconscious, or I’m interpreting the images with my own emotions. I’m still not sure it matters which is which.

     Its the eyes that pull me in this card. The look of see all I have and now what. The coin holds him down and it gets awkward to keep the coin to his chest. A happy place of sun and community sits in the background, but in order to walk to the community the coins would have to be put down. Yeah, that sounds familiar.

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Life Changes– A new job maybe

I have an opportunity.  Now, most people think an opportunity is something positive.  It’s not.  It is a change for something new; how you view it and develop it will determine if it is something good or bad.  The thing is, this is something NEW, new.  I might need a minute to explain some background information here.  I am a 36 year old teacher.  I am a biologist.  I have taught now for ten years at a local, very low socioeconomic high school.  I am about as alt as I can be in this role.  I have tattoos, mostly of my spirituality or symbols of my inner thoughts and feelings.  (None are violent or horrific, that’s just not me), I’m an out of the closet pagan (to most people, I avoid talking about spirituality with the people I have to have in my life that would just not understand due to their fundamentalist attitudes),   I have gauges big enough to look like gauges (7/16) and I refuse to dress like an average suit.  My political leanings are liberal/eco-warriorish and I believe kids need to be independent, free, critical-thinking, non corporate, non-partisan citizens as they graduate.  I dislike achievement/normed tests.  I believe in what I do and I do what I believe in.

So what’s the rub, you ask?  This new position would give me a lot of power within the district.  It changes me from a lone wolf to a member of the cabinet (Oddly, my Superintendent and I discussed this on the phone just the other day).  Now, I am not saying I am afraid of a challenge, far from it, nor am I saying that I don’t want the position because I’ll have to rub noses with social elite and suits (conservatives and butt-kissers that do not have the same value system I do).  What I am saying is that is this a good move for me personally, for my family and friends?

To stop being vague a minute, this is a director of technology position within the district.  I would answer to the treasurer and the assistant superintendent.  I would be in charge of all technology within the district (some 400ish employees and 3000ish students).  I would have people I oversee and contractors to manage, I would write and manage grants, the school website, oversee the IT dept and the library systems and the job description goes on for three pages.  It’s daunting and exciting.  However, I would be under a 11 month contract, not protected by unions and most weeks I would see at least 60 hours, some weeks more.

I have always tried to be the dad, husband, son and friend I felt the people in my life deserve.  I have not always succeeded, but I have tried.  Lots of times that has meant letting go of some of the things I feel I wanted for myself so I could be there for others.  I like that about myself most of the time.  However taking this job will mean I won’t be there as much.  I just can’t be.  I will have less time with my kids, my wife, my friends and my parents.

There are positives with taking the job.  I can try to make a difference in what I believe in (that’s big to me), I can prove to myself, maybe, that I am good at what I do and do make a difference and, of course, the additional money would be nice as well.  Can you see a alt pagan hippie sitting in on your kids or nieces and nephews school board meetings and district cabinet?  What would you think?

I have not done a Tarot reading to delve into my emotions deeper.  I need to.  I just need to be sure I’m not making a decision that will be a deficit to the people I love—or myself.  I am not a person with a lot of faith I am a person of logic mostly and try to take situations as they come objectively, but at the minute I’m stymied.

This coming Monday I will be going in for the second round interview.  I made it to the final four (which I am still surprised about).   That has actually been an amazing ego boost.  Now I have to create a presentation that illustrates my vision for technology in the district to present.  I have committed to the second interview and think I actually might have a chance.  I will feel amazingly guilty for leaving the position I’m in now, but everyone has been forewarned in advance this may occur.  That’s the other thing, I have put blood sweat and tears into the school I’m in now.  I helped create it and nurture it.  Even though I know with a change in regime in our school my vision of what that school should be is being negated by other visions less like my own, it just feels like jumping ship.

Sigh…. No this blog is really just to get my thoughts out.  Ideas and opinions are welcome.

Realization

It’s time I self-motivate. I have been in a lethargic downward spin for a while. Certain aspects of my life have changed in ways I’m not supper happy with yet, but I made the decisions to allow those changes. Yes, I know I could have altered the outcome of decisions by voicing my fears and opinions, but I weighed the choices and variances of those choices, acting in the best way I could.
So for the record: I no longer adhere to the philosophy of polyamory. I am no longer young. It is time I consider myself an adult (the worst of language borderline to damnation in my head). I have a job I want out of, but am unsure of where to go. Most of my sexual energy (which i used to power my life with) is gone, I am heavier then I have been in quite a long while, lethargy owns me. My brain is becoming less sharp and I am slower witted then I once was. Writing escapes me in any real form. I do not know who I am deep down anymore, I want to be left alone and not deal with people (very different from my social self). I can’t think of a passion I have anymore (I used to have more then I could deal with). I want naps in the middle of the day and I sleep… I mean I am fucking sleeping all night (Gods that sucks). Alcohol holds very little attraction for me minus a good wine with dinner, I’m too uninterested to cook much and I no longer radiate a sense of danger, just a bit of psycho (Ted Kezinski style I believe).
So what is left? I still think of myself as a writer (if a failed one). I still think of myself as an occultist. I want my kids to grow up and be able to do the things I was unable to do, teach them to pay attention to their passions and act accordingly. I still feel a strong attraction to the Earth and although weaker then ever, a power radiating from her. I still have a want to discover and explore. I don’t love like I used to, but I still love.
I feel more like Giles then Buffy, more like Torchwood the Dr. Who. I am not sure where I’m going or even if i’ll like myself when I get there, but movement any direction is better then the stagnation I have been surrounding myself with lately. I still think of myself more as a Mr. Him then a Mr. Who, but maybe closer is a Mr. Him-That-Almost-Was which I don’t like. I need to think more on how to move forward, but I know it’s time.
It’s hard for me to admit, but true also that I have made decisions I’m still struggling to be ok with. I’ve chosen paths that lead me down the path of mental and emotional rust, so I need to polish regularly to avoid the pitfalls of my own path.
There are people in my life that will read this and think immediately what I have written is about them. Some of it is– that’s life. I may have made choices, but I was not alone in creating the situations where the choices stemmed from. I believe one aspect of moving forward is acknowledging that others have influenced my decisions for good and bad. Not to lay blame at others feet, but to admit choices I made were really about others more than myself and the part of me that wants to care for others has outweighed my own ego and drive. If it hadn’t I would be in a different position then I am. If I didn’t like that I am such an empath, then I wouldn’t have made choices I have. There is a chance this will come across emo and passive aggressive. If it does… I’m not sorry anymore. Maybe it’s time for more Egoism, time to serve myself and figure out my goals. I have my foot on a path, a new path, no idea what direction it will go, but right now movement is better then standing still, waiting.

An Example of Tarot Insight 6-22/23-11

I lost a good post. It just disappeared. It was insightful and well written, unlike a lot of the shit on this blog. So here is what it was based off. Maybe I’ll rewrite it later, maybe not.

I have had something eating at me I did not want to face. That was the day I drew the Tower inverted. Its deep blue voidistic background and tragic circumstance hinting that I was stagnating on a choice, a change of life. Something decision I was avoiding making. Having been consumed unconsciously and consciously with the decision it was pretty obvious what needed be dealt with. So I had the conversations I needed to have, I looked for any excuse to not have to do what I felt needed done and found none. So I put on my big boy pants and made a decision. (this all sounded so much better in the lost post.)
Today I drew the Chariot. A card of will and determination. a card of will over emotions. The charioteer drives without reins pulled by a black and a white sphinx. He leads them on willpower alone. He leaves town as if never to return. Cold and emotions packed away behind his armor. He is not necessarily emotionless just his path lies before him. He pays the toll and keeps going. Oddly the symbol on his chariot is one of unification of the genders.

Ogres have layers, like onions. Onions have layers and Ogres have layers.
Just keep stripping those layers away ogre.

It should be said that what you are not reading is the most awesome ghostbusters simile ever as well as a well placed jab at the Amazing Randi, Fox News and a duck. Fucking WordPress app…

A Reflective Bit of Shit

I should probably explain the last and future bit of posts. If you don’t know me (then I’m not sure why your reading this, but welcome), let me explain a bit. There are two main aspects to my academic and personal interests, relationships and spirituality. Relationships as in how humans relate to each other culturally, ethnically, intimately as well as with other organisms and on this wonderful ball of awesomeness call Earth. However, this post is not about that side of me, This post is about…

Spirituality. I classify myself as a scientific mystic, a rational anarchist, a western taoist and a reluctant buddhist. No, I don’t believe in any dogma (including the main streams), I don’t need to. My daughter asked me why I don’t believe in God (she meant a Christian god), now I’m not sure where she got this idea because I try VERY hard to not influence my children as far as what to believe, or to believe as me. Ok, I know, or have a very good guess where she got this idea, but I’m a better man then they are and say anything about it here. So I had to explain a bit more about myself to my child before I felt she was ready to deal with Daddy being what Daddy is (she’s just 6). I called her over and whispered in her ear. You are God and I am God and We are God. Yes, it’s Heinlein. Yes, it’s a bit cliche, but I believe in it. I believe in each of us there is God and in what we believe lives the heavens and hells of known and unknown cultures human and otherwise. So starts my 6 year olds journey into her own existence.

Tarot. My posts of late have all been about the tarot. This is because I have recently re-examined how and why the tarot works. I’m still working it through, but you see thats how I work. I don’t have the luxury of faith I just have belief in my own explorations and my own God-ness. This is my continuing journal of exploration. I am intrigued with how the meanings both intended and subliminal shine light into the dark corners of the unconscious. This study continues my own journey into my own existence.

The Sun 6-21-11

The Sun card Seems to speak of getting over challenges and coming away innocent and victorious. The cherub like youth rides a white horse away from a wall or stoney outcrop. there is a repeated representation of the sun in flowers and the actual sun itself. The red banner is one of power and courage being proudly displayed. The sun beams out for the cherub like youth itself also.

The Star 6-20-11

The Star is a goddess figure. I see in her both the reality she is a star that fell to Earth (like in Gaimen’s Stardust story) and as a worshiper of the stars. The stars, in this case, are eight pointed and represent the burning energies within us. She ladles pitchers of the waters of unconscious thought onto the land of the conscious. She resides in both worlds and has control over the unconscious. She is creative and innocent. She symbolizes purity of idea and a balanced creative force.

The Emperor 6-19-11

The Emperor reminds me of tales of Woden. He sits in command on a throne of rams heads looking out over a sparse environment. The red skies make me think of early morning on a storm filled day or dusk after the storms are over. He is in armor under his robes and ready for more storms. The ankh wand in his left hand shows his power over life and the pomegranate in his left mirrors this and his tie in with The Empress and femininity. He looks right as if to see the empress in her fertile valley (no pun intended) but he is removed from her due to his power and ego. He is the father figure like Woden, both full of strategic and rational knowledge, but filtered through a worldly, knowing heart.